Ch-ch-changes

1780945_10152674067628849_1841355149_oChanges come, and go, leaving the permanent traces all over a life, without a manual on how to adapt to the shift. The timelessness of routine, only vaguely disillusioned by aging (but only if we pay attention to it), is suddenly shattered as changes happen and we realise we can never go back. Changes just occur sometimes, and other times changes are made by us ourselves. We then carry full responsibility for not being able to go back, undo, unchange. We can only regret or accept. It is this permanence, this responsibility that makes changing so frightening, so big, so important. Being stuck, and merely aging, if anything, is at least safe and structured, no responsibility for unhappiness or boredom is really held. If it happens that we find ourselves unhappy, this is merely because we allowed it, and what else could we have done?

And then the decision to change, the confidence that is needed to say ‘I don’t know if this is right, but I am going to give it a try` is not easy or readily available, it’s not small, and it’s not just about overcoming the fear of change for me either. It’s about the fear of responsibility for the change and its consequences (whatever they may be), as well as the confrontation with the permanent forward movement of time. What if I make the wrong choice? Am I competent enough for this, do I have all the information?

And of course these feelings are relative to what is being left behind, but leaving a job that is just not right, leaving a partner we don’t want to grow old with, quitting a course for lack of motivation, yet also going into an exciting new job, starting a relationship with someone and enrolling into education are quite life changing events. If they don’t work out, the impact is significant, as it is the fact these changes were made by choice, and didn’t just happen to us, that makes them our full responsibility. Almost always someone will ask if you thought about it well enough. But how can you know if you did? If there is always more time that you can spend thinking about it, is there ever going to be a moment where you have really thought about it enough? It’s quite intimidating.

Yet  change is necessary, it is unhelpful for me personally to stay in the same routine because of the illusion that time is not moving forward this way, that changes can always be made later on, that nothing will be lost. Yet we do lose time, opportunity, ourselves even, and we lose the space to allow ourselves to dream and imagine our own potential.

The idea that changing can only happen if we’re sure we’ll do it right this time, that we cannot make the wrong decision and even that it is selfish and immature to make decisions when unsure, is what can keep us stuck. Nothing is black and white, yet often I find it hard to make a decision when working with gray, when I’m not 100% sure. Welcome to my familiar impasse, don’t take me to a pizza restaurant, you’ll be there all night.

So it’s frightening to change, and it is exciting. I think it is only within that long or short moment during change, and not before, where you can see who you are, what you want and what feels right. It’s an exhilarating place to be, where you can realise that you are responsible for yourself, and that’s great, (yet scary)! Time is moving forward (and I am aging…) and this is not where I want to stay as the story unfolds because I am bored and getting older.

We are the writers of our own story, and if the story becomes boring, or cringe worthy, it’s our own responsibility. And with responsibility I do not mean fault, I mean it is within our power to change things, make new choices, even though we might deny that we indeed have this ability. Courage to change comes with a bit of confidence. Confidence comes with experience, but also with aspiration, and wanting to taste a bit more joy, get to know myself a bit better. And maybe most of all, my desire to change comes with knowing that I am (probably) only going to live once, time is pushing forward, I am getting some wrinkles, and getting bored with some parts of my story. How exciting…

 

Edit: one of the changes I’ll hope to make is get in touch with my head a bit more and write… because it’s fun. I don’t think it’ll just come to me if I sit here and wait for it to happen… so here goes

Advertisements