King of Pain

There’s a little black spot on the sun today
It’s the same old thing as yesterday
there’s a black hat caught in a high tree top
there’s a flagpole rag and the wind won’t stop

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running ’round my brain
I guess I’m always hoping that you’ll end this reign
But it’s my destiny to be the king of pain

(King of Pain – the Police)

I’ve had this song in my head for a few days (the Alanis version though, I’m of that age) and you know the moment where you suddenly start listening to yourself and hear what you’re actually singing about? I had one of those moments this afternoon.

A feeling of depression can be normal when something depressing happens. Basically when something pushes you down, it’s pretty normal to feel down about it. But sometimes nothing in particular has enough weight to press you down as much as you feel. And sometimes the initial cause of your depression has been taken away, yet you still feel like you’re stuck in the hole that was caused. “Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person’s thoughts, behavior, feelings and physical well-being” (thanks Wiki)

Moving away from the science and back to the song: I’m trying very hard to not speak for everyone here but I realise that it’s recognisable. I think the little black spot on the sun is recognisable, though I’ve heard it said differently before, like having a black border around everything , or a sense of blackness just outside your vision.

The little black spot sometimes grows and takes out a lot of the sun, but usually it’s just there, often quite small, and I can see it and hate it for what it is and what it can do to me. The feeling that every day is the same, every day you look up and it’s still there, it’s hard to imagine feeling different. It’s hard imagining one day you’ll wake up and the black spot is gone and you can be just like everyone else.

Sometimes it’s like things keep hitting you over and over again, and all you can do is go with it, take the blows, the hard days and wait for the wind to die down. Like a rag on a flagpole in a storm. And it rips, and it damages depending on how strong you are and how long it takes.

Standing in the pouring rain, a force of nature and there is nothing you can do but take it. And then there is the world spinning circles running round your brain.  I think that there is no time when one thinks more about the world around them than when depressed. I think it makes you look and assess everything and because of course the world isn’t cleverly designed, a lot of things don’t necessarily make sense. It can turn circles for a long long time before it makes sense, a long long time. I think often the question arises: ‘why is this happening?’. Sometimes there’s an answer to that question, but sometimes there isn’t.  That’s hard to swallow though, when you keep looking at that little black spot.

I have wondered before whether maybe someone special would be able to eradicate the little black spot (or ‘end this reign’). When the only person that might be able to do this came along and wasn’t able to do so I wasn’t necessarily surprised. He brought a whole new spectrum of feelings, happiness, comfort, fun, but that little black spot was still there, it’s stubborn. It’s been there for a long time and even though I feel happiness, it’s still there, no matter how hard I try to not look at it. Sometimes it grows when he’s near me though and he can see the shadow on my face. And sometimes he cries with me. I hate the black spot for that.

Maybe  I am the king of pain, my own pain, or so I try to be. I try to master it with will power and a small amount of masochism. I try to actively manage and limit it so it doesn’t debilitate me in my daily life and for years I have succeeded. It’s starting to rebel though and has come to invade parts of my kingdom I never allowed it to enter, when I work, run, cuddle,  sleep. Yet, seeing that the kingdom has strong borders, we’ll have to deal with this internally. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing to be the king of pain, as long as this means that I can control it as much as I can with the smallest amount of effort necessary. As long as pain doesn’t become my king.

This has become a bit of a depressing post, but maybe that’s okay, as I guess it’s about depression. I’m pretty sure there have been times in my life where I was ‘allowed’ to be depressed, and though I’m not sure if this is one of them, I don’t necessarily care. I think maybe it’s healthier for me to not try and get rid of the little black spot on the sun, but to try and accept that it’s there while the reason for it is still present. Maybe I should stop gazing at the sun and hurt my eyes by staring at the black spot.  Maybe it’ll just disappear on its own one day. I guess I should feel lucky that’s it’s a sunny day anyway, spot or no spot, because it really is a beautiful day out there.

 

Jude

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